i just wanna soil my oats bro
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Enjoy the penises
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
