i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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