you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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