You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
