i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
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