i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
