I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
