In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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