at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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