All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
