Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Mom said you looked used
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
