Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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