Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize