hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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