I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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