It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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