Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize