I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
That was an excessively violent trivia night
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
