i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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