Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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