I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i already hear my dad disowning me
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Randomize
