i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
