when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
