my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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