you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
