I wish I only lived at night.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Welp...herpes.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
