update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize