I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
