my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
