I threw up into my coffee this morning.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
