new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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