Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
