Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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