Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
