Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Houston, we have a squirter
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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