it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
