Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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