I'm drive I can fine osifer
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
