the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
