Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I still have a little drunk in my system
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
