I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
