Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize