Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
sarcasm needs its own font
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
