what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
