..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
