I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
