weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
