Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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