How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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