Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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