Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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