btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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