so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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