u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
