Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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