my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize