Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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