i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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