I have demons in me.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
