This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
