his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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