i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
